The Selection Tree: A Matchmaking Metaphor

When it comes to making a relationship work, what qualities are essential? The most common responses to this question you are likely to hear are:

Respect
Good communication
Love
Chemistry
Commitment
Shared beliefs
Logistics eg financial stability, home, work etc.
Impact management eg. dealing with external circumstances and pressures
Future direction
Shared goals
Environment ie. people around you
Health

These twelve commandments of a relationship are very important, no doubt about it. All of these warrant further discussion, whether you are using a matchmaker or are relying on your own common sense and insight to make these decisions in your relationship life.

Yet, time and time again you will see examples of relationships that despite having all (or most) of these boxes ticked, they will still not work out. Or if they work out, they may leave one or both people unsatisfied or unfulfilled. No one can quite put their finger on what makes it move in this direction - it just does. 

These are good people, with the right intentions and the right attitude toward one a another. Often we will blame circumstances, those around them, unfortunate events, cultural influences or just bad luck for trying to account for why it doesn't work, or at least not nearly as well as it should.

But before we break down these twelve factors separately, lets look at the elusive 13th factor that truly sets the tone for the rest. This is the most crucial part of the selection process and yet almost no one, and certainly no matchmakers that we are aware of, have knowledge about this. 

The fact is that there are laws of magnetism and polarity between humans. And they go beyond just being men and women. There is an interplay of masculine and feminine in everyone that is unique to them and being able to use these laws and see them in people is what distinguishes a good or mediocre matchmaker from a superior matchmaker or social designer.

Before we determine if these two people will love and respect one another, communicate effectively and have all their ducks in a row on a practical level, we first must determine if they have the right magnetic blueprint together. Because even if they follow other 12 commandments, it simply won't work without the blessing of a solid natural connection.

As we discussed in the introduction article to Affinity Zones, dopamine and serotonin form the basis of our feelings when in relationship to others. Roughly speaking, serotonin brings feeling of calm, stability and being established while dopamine brings passion, excitement and energy towards seeking future goals.

What we don't want is to hook people up with an excessive pattern of dopamine or serotonin, with someone who is likely to trigger these extreme responses. Sure, its enticing to find a soulmate who we are so in love with that it makes you a little crazy. And its equally enticing to find a soulmate who is so stable that we never have to venture out of the fortress of our castle.

But both patterns, sooner or later, lead to extremes that are not healthy or beneficial. They create a cycle that leads us to eventually swing from one extreme to another. This is difficult to remove ourselves from as the brain will create its own momentum to establish a pattern.

What we want, really, is a balance of stability and passion in a relationship. That is the key to creating a truly beneficial and self-sustaining relationship.

Yes, you must work on the other 12 things. That takes time, dedication, practise and commitment. But you need to get off on the right foot. And for that, its only expert management of the early selection process that will point you in the right direction.

You can wing it and try yourself. Its possible you will achieve it. But often just our intuition is not enough and we need some external, objective guidance.

And, that is what we can offer at Affinity One.