Positive and Negative Relationship Cycles: Introduction to Affinity Zones

If you’ve read a little about Affinity Zones from our website, you’re probably wondering how this knowledge can help our matchmakers (and you) make better choices in our relationships. After all, we’ve made the claim that this little (big) puzzle piece is what distinguishes us from other similar agencies. So, it makes sense to explain a but more about Affinity Zones.

Let’s start with a little bit of neuroscience (without the tedious science, hopefully!) You’ve no doubt heard terms like “balance” that apply to mental and emotional states. While its not exactly clear what is always meant by mentally or emotionally balanced, it is clear what is usually meant by “imbalanced”. Emotionally this could mean mood swings, difficulty focussing or completing tasks, not being able to regulate emotional reactions or responses, self-defeating or dangerous behaviour as well as more extreme states that become medical conditions or disorders.

In the brain, there are several neurochemicals that are of primary importance to how we function and process reality. Neurochemicals are little messenger molecules that are released at the “synapse” or the endings of nerve cells. If they fire, a little spark of electricity makes a connection with another nerve cell or neuron. If they don’t fire, there is no connection. Our brains store memories and learn by creating ever more complex nerve “networks” which then communicate with other networks.

This big “meta-network” eventually gives us a sense of self and orientation in time and space, interfacing with all the other functional parts of the brain in a feedback loop. How we perceive ourselves, others and our place in life becomes the foundations for future decisions and actions.

So, we can see neurochemicals are vitally important for these networks to form. When they are released, we receive sensations and emotions. Evolution rewards us with a good feeling for doing good things toward our survival and evolution. When we mess up, we get the stress hormone cortisol, which makes us feel not so good. This isn’t a punishment so much as a warning that we are off track and need to do something to get on the right track.

In terms of our feel good chemicals (and if you’re wondering how this relates to relationships, don’t worry, we are getting there), our brains and bodies have a “yin” and “yang” when it comes to two especially important chemicals - serotonin and dopamine. Although its only a metaphor to talk about them as a balance of yin and yang, its a useful way to understand our two primary positive feelings and why they come about.

Serotonin, often known as the “mood stabilizer” is an “inhibitory” neurotransmitter that essentially calms us down and plays a big part in sleep and feeling satisfied after a meal. It gives us a sense of security, being grounded and having a social identity. Many experiments have also linked serotonin to social status and hierarchies. Serotonin has more about conserving what we have and building on things that are already established to make them stronger and more enduring over time.

Dopamine on the other hand is more future-oriented. It’s all about taking risks and feeling rewarded for those risks. Dopamine is about seeking new experiences and novelties. It is also the “thrill of the chase”; what the hunter feels as he goes after his prey and what modern people feel when they are motivated and pursue their goals and dreams. It has a lot to do with excitement and arousal, and is strongly linked to sexual passion and finding an attractive mate.

Whereas serotonin brings stability, dopamine brings growth in the form of challenging but exciting adventures. Are you beginning to see how these two basic feelings might factor into our relationships?

Some relationships produce feelings that are more secure and stable, while others are more exciting, passionate and novel. Well, most are a combination of those two feelings in different proportions. And this produces different patterns, which then imprint on the two individuals neurological template.

Affinity Zones are those areas of the brain where serotonin and dopamine co-exist in different relationships to each other. This produces a different “flavour” of feeling that can easily be applied to our relationships and who is likely to trigger these different zones. There are two “inner zones” that represent a healthy balance of serotonin and dopamine (security-stability and passion-energy) and there are two “outer zones” that represent an excess of either serotonin or dopamine. This is generally where our more toxic or dysfucntional patterns begin and perpetuate when we get stuck in negative relationship cycles.

What we have with Affinity Zones is a unique and revolutionary way to examine the relationship between our brain chemistry inside and the relationships we have “outside”.

At Affinity One, our consultants utilise this knowledge as the foundation in choosing an appropriate match between people, because first and foremost the potential partner should contribute to their health and wellbeing, through co-creating a dynamic that has a healthy balance of both joy and passion on one hand, and security and endurance on the other. In short, we guide people away from dysfunctional combinations that produce excessive out-of-control emotions and toward holistic, stable, nourishing, self-regulating emotional patterns that lead to a flourishing, mutually benefical relationship.

To understand the difference between using this knowledge and not using it, lets consider how a regular matchmaker would make a decision about who is compatible. They might get a strong intuitive hunch that person A and person B will be so unbelievably in love that they are like soulmates! And their hunch is often correct. They are picking up on the dopamine excess which will flow between them, and will then check a few other things out about their profile and if it checks out, its a match made in heaven.

The problems for this newly matched couple may not come until after a honeymoon period. But, almost like clockwork, the problems will come because dopamine is addictive and dysfunctional if not tempered with some serotonin for grounding.

So, do you see where we are coming from now? A dynamite “soulmate” combination is often an excess of dopamine and while the love and desire is genuine, it may not be the best thing for either of them. In fact, it could turn out to be the worst mistake of their lives.

And, the same is true for serotonin excess. Some people might say they want a relationship so solid it feels like living in a castle, a fortress or kindgom in the country. They want something that lasts forever and is threatened by nothing. So, in the same way, the would-be matchmaker sees this potential and matches them up. Success! Their relationship lasts and they are very professional and mature with each other. Isn’t that a real success story?

Well, no. Not exactly. Lots of people have solid, long-lasting relationships but they are bored, dissatisfied, unfulfilled and, did I mention bored?? The serotonin excess relationship can lead to emotional and mental stagnancy, lack of passion and sexual chemistry, numbness, apathy, resignation and even depression. Because things don’t change, even though it might make you feel safe and secure. At what cost? Serotonin has turned them into zombies and crushed the dopamine.

But when you have the knowledge to see what combinations lead to the excess patterns and what lead to positive, sustaining relationships, this common mistake can’t be made. Even if the client says they want either a crazy romance or a Camelot king or queen, the evolved consultant here doesn’t give it to them. Instead they wait for someone to show up that will bring true satisfaction - someone who will guide them into their core of happiness and not the surface appearance of it.