Singlehood: Dating Sites, Matchmaking and Beyond (Part One)

So how does the modern, sophisticated individual go about finding what they are looking for when it comes to love, connection, chemistry and all the rest?

You can go out and socialise; go to bars and clubs, parties, social events or anywhere you think singles might be lurking. Its kind of random but sometimes it works. This approach is great, especially when you are young and you know how to play the part. Yet the drawbacks are that it is, kind of random, and you don't always win the lottery. Or maybe you win a small prize but not the jackpot. Also not everyone is the party type of guy or girl. These folks are not especially extroverted and don’t especially like a lot of noise, chaos or drinking.

If you’re not exactly a social buttefly, but you still favour the real world over the internet, you could join a group or club where you meet others with common interests. Of course if its something fun, like flamenco dancing for instance, this might be a perfect environment to meet other singles. The only thing is, again - its kind of random. You don't always know if you're going to land in the right place. Also it might be uncomfortable for you to join a group with the intention of meeting singles, when the groups purpose is something entirely different.

If attempting to flirt in knitting circles and wistful mountain trekking is not your bag, the only thing left to do then is to hang around the supermarket aisles, the library, the museum, the bus stops and public parks with the express desire to meet Mr or Ms Right, spark an innocent conversation, ask him or her out and live happily ever after. The stuff you see in movies!

If you concede defeat and go with the crowd, you might consider joining a dating site. You could just stick with Facebook or Instagram, which are unofficial dating sites to a lot of people but if you are serious about meeting someone you will probably want to download an app or join an online dating community.

While this may seem like the logical and perhaps ONLY next step to take, and while you do hear the occassional success story from dating sites, legit or otherwise, there are a few things that you should know about dating sites.

All that glitters is definitely not gold.

Dating sites are a huge business; a billion dollar industry and growing with each swipe. In order to keep raking in the money like this, they need to keep the fish nibbling at the bait. But not exactly reeling one in. This translates to: keeping you suspended in a state of dopamine-saturated hope, motivation and (quite often) physical desire.

It could be the hope of being in a loving relationship for the rest of your life or the hope of hooking up with the sexiest profile you come across.

Now for the slightly sinister part. Dating sites have algorithms for grading users and profiles based on the actions they take. This includes how often you swipe left or right on profiles, the time you spend on the app, your message response rate, the amount of matches you have and the quality of your photos and bio.

Basically they give you a "desirability" score which changes as you use it. This affects who sees your profile and who responds to your messages. It’s not designed to help you connect with your “crush” so much as keep him or her in your vicinity, tempting you but always out of reach.

So if your matches or likes are not responding to you, this is likely why. It might have nothing to do with you, or not as much as you were led to believe. And... almost no one knows about it, which is why they keep getting away with it and taking people's hard earned money.

This is not about being negative or saying you shouldn't use dating apps. Its just about being informed so you can fast-track your journey to relationship fulfillment.

Aside from the fact that they use these algorithms to keep you emotionally hooked, hanging on for the next billing cycle, dating sites have a lot of other pitfalls. Some of the really bad ones are outright scams to keep you buying credits, likes or superlikes and have fake profiles to reel you in. Even on the more publically accepted sites, there are a lot of scammers, fake profiles and insincere people lurking.

You can get scammed, catfished or tricked by someone. There are a lot of creepy people and people who have poor ettiquette or social skills. Or, there are genuine people who just don't really know how to interact in an appropriate way. There are wannabe don Juans and pick up artists.

And to be honest, online dating is pretty unnatural because you miss all the subtleties and important things you pick up in real life. Things like facial recognition, voice tonality and sensory stimulation as well as having in-depth conversations, as opposed to one sentence message conversations with a few emojis for good measure!

(To be continued in Part 2: Matchmaking and the Eternal Quest for Love)